he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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