VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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