Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
