I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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