She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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