going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
