Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
