You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
