either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
