I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
even my farts smell like vagina
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
