I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
