Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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