We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
