god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
