Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
His nipple licking is glorious
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