Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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