HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
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Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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