when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
