I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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