Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
