i already hear my dad disowning me
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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