I just gift wrapped bread.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
