I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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