WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
