Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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