and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
