We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
