I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
