I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
