that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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