Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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