Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
