did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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