I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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