you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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