I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
