My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
