Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
