I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
