I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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