the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
