The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
