She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
