i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
