did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
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1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
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You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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