i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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