Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
