batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
