I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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