Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
