Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
