I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
