Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
