grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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