Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize