I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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