I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
two words: eviction party
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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